In Lieu of "I'm Okay"

Cold weather sads take over my head and make it so hard to get out of bed. 

Too tired to stand and make all my meals, and Uber eats rarely has deals. 

Inside my chest there are tiny sobs that no one but me can feel. 

I can’t tell if the sadness is a metaphorical joke or if my depression is real. 

Who do I call who I won’t bring down with this negative space I take up? 

No desire to get dressed or go out or even put on a little makeup. 

I don’t know what I need, and it makes my head feel crazier than makes any sense. 

Should I cry into my pillow or distract with TV - I’m genuinely on the fence. 

I daydream about getting on a train and just going to God knows where. 

But then I remember how much it would take  just to get from my bed to my chair.

I think of Khalid, cold and alone, sleeping inside of his car. 

The sibling who grew up in the next room but emotionally lived very far.

I cannot get him out of my mind, and there’s nothing I can do.

I tried to help him a handful of times but could never make my way through. 

When he was small he was my friend, and he shadowed me day and night. 

But the older he got he became so mean and all we did was fight. 

I kept my distance after that and maybe that’s where I went wrong. 

Moments when I tried to bond with him never lasted very long. 

His words could stab me til my insides hurt; mental illness took my brother away. 

Now my trauma wades through tears and all I can do is pray. 

I see my mother’s pain hollowing her eyes.

We tell each other we’re doing ok, but those are just white lies. 

Miracles can happen, right? There’s hope that my brother will heal? 

I also pray that he’s warm at night and that he’s able to get enough meals. I didn’t know how much my sadness stemmed from things I can’t control. 

Staying strong for everyone one has begun to take its toll. 

God, please help my brother, my mom, and if there’s time, me too. 

Help guide me towards some clarity on how to make it through. 

These winter sads are hard right now, and I’m trying my very best.  

But if I’m really honest with you, God, I’m tired and needing rest.

November 11. 2021