Where Did My Brother Go? Part 2

Fluctuating Faith

Khalid was absolutely on a downward spiral. Eventually he was asked to leave St. Peter and St. Paul because of his behavior issues, so my mom enrolled him into another Catholic school.  The academics in Mount Vernon public schools were not as challenging as she wanted for us, so we always attended Catholic schools going forward. My mother always wanted the very best for us.

Actually - let’s take a pause on Khalid. I want to talk about my mother because she is a huge part of this. My mom is literally Superwoman. During our entire childhood, she presented us with so many valuable opportunities. In addition to putting us in the best schools she could afford, we were enrolled in dance classes, swimming classes, gymnastics, math and science tutoring, painting, pottery, drawing, double dutch, karate, piano, guitar and basketball. (Wow! When you see it in writing, it’s even more impressive!) She was the carpool driver for all of Khalid’s many basketball games, and even worked 2 jobs at one point. She did all of this while managing her diabetes and other health issues. Looking back, I don’t know how she managed everything as gracefully as she did. Her main priorities were always our safety, happiness, and wellbeing. All she asked for in return, was for us to do the very best we could in school, show kindness to others, and eventually contribute something positive to society. Like I said - Superwoman.

Despite my mother’s efforts to get him on the right track, when Khalid was in high school, he had even more issues. Not only was his name very familiar among the administration because of his inability to follow the rules, he stopped putting effort into his schoolwork. He was accused of cheating on multiple occasions, and he was disappointing everyone who knew how much potential he had.

When he had fully entered his upper-teen years, I barely recognized him. I was in college by that point, and my brother and I were basically strangers. He didn’t know who my friends were or anything else about my life. I had been involved in  theatre and dance since high school, and I think my brother came to only one of my plays and one of my dance recitals. Two shows in 8 years. I can admit, I resented him for not even trying to show support for me, when I always loved to go to his basketball games and karate meets, even after he became a jerk.

Not to say he didn’t have his occasional ‘good brother’ moments. I have a few vivid memories of him being the person I wanted him to be. In 2007, I was genuinely surprised when he wanted to attend my Sweet 16 birthday party. I remember standing in my living room,  in my pale blue floor-length gown, and tight Shirley Temple curls atop my head. My mom and I were about to leave for the restaurant, when Khalid emerged from his bedroom in his best suit, and  a pale blue tie he had borrowed from his dad that matched my dress perfectly. I remember my mom’s smile when she saw him there, ready to join us on my special day. I was so proud when we walked into the restaurant, and all my friends saw my brother escort me to the table. Despite how he had changed, suddenly, he was the sweet, lovable kid I shared a bedroom with for years.

But that was then. Now he was a teenager-turning-adult, and certainly not that little kid anymore. In 2013 He managed to make it to his high school graduation with just-passing grades, and he enrolled into Duchess Community College in upstate New York.  I remember my mother asking me on the train ride to the campus, “Do you think he’ll be okay on his own, Kalima?”  I was hopeful that maybe being on his own will force him to grow up. By that point, even though he was 18 years old, he had the maturity of someone fresh out of middle school.

Our prayers must have fell on deaf ears, because his bad habits continued at Duchess. It seemed as though all his cheating in high school caught up with him, because he could not keep up with the academics at the school at all. I'm not sure about all that went down on campus. I only know what my mother told me. After a year and a half of college, he was asked to leave because of some altercation he was in with another student who reported Khalid for harassment. By that point I had put serious distance between my brother and I. I was going through my own issues and I wanted only positive presences in my life. I could not deal with all his drama. Watching my mother worry and pray for him all the time broke my heart. It seemed like everything she taught him was going down the drain. I resented Khalid for putting another layer of stress on my mother's back. Whenever she learned of another incident involving my brother, she would look at me, defeated, and ask me "Kalima, is there no rest for the weary?"

[03/19/2019]