Holy Crap, Grad School Starts Tomorrow

There was one day, during my 3rd year of undergrad at Lehman College, that I will never forget. I woke up that morning with tremendous anxiety, and my stomach was quite unsettled throughout the day. There was so much homework due, and I felt completely drained. For weeks, I barely slept, and when I did, I had nightmares about failing and disappointing everyone I cared about. 

That day, I was hanging up flyers for a Rainbow Alliance event in the empty classrooms inside Carman Hall. Suddenly, I just burst into tears. I had been struggling with constant depression and anxiety for months, and my grades were suffering, even in my English classes. It did not feel like I was anywhere near close to graduating. By that point, the pressures associated with school felt completely out of control. My friends constantly told me how strong they thought I was, but getting to the end of each day took so much emotional energy that I did not have. I took out my phone, and by instinct, called my mother at work. She answered, and I broke down, and confided in her that I was really struggling and I didn't know what to do. I was panicked that I would flunk out of school. I told her that I wondered if I should even declare English my major when my grades were so poor.  "How will I be President of Rainbow Alliance the next year like everyone expects me to be? I can barely hold it together now." I stood in the empty classroom and just sobbed on the phone while my mother tried to calm me. I asked her what she thought I should do. "Do your best, Kalima," she said, after giving me the encouragement I desperately needed. "I think you should just finish what you started."

Tomorrow is my first day of graduate school, and I don't think I ever took the time to really think about how incredible that is. Of course I am extremely proud of myself for getting in, because truthfully, I did not think I would. I can't even believe I was brave enough to apply! When I graduated from Lehman, I swore I was done with school. I enjoyed certain aspects, like being surrounded by other people and having discussions in my classes, asserting my points of view, but school pressures triggered my mental health so negatively that I didn't ever want to return to that dark place again. My GPA when I graduated was only so-so, but it was enough to get me into a cap and gown with a Bachelors in Creative Writing. 

What helped me get through my last years at Lehman were the extra curricular activities I involved myself in. I was still an active member of the Rainbow Alliance (the campus LGBTQ advocacy group), but I also became an enthusiastic member of the Student Theatre Association. I gained so many incredible friends in those clubs, and they were a true support system for me when I had my most difficult days. I started volunteering for PFLAG NYC, an LGBT support organization that helped me back when I wanted to come out to more of my family. As a volunteer, I went around to different schools in NYC, sharing my coming out story with students and teachers to help them understand my experience as a queer person. Yall. You can not imagine how much therapeutic power it had for me. I threw myself into it wholeheartedly, and was offered a paid internship with the organization during my last year of school. I was also in therapy, and on medication to help me push past through depression that was still an unfriendly shadow. It was a combination of those pockets of joy that helped me make it to the diploma at the end of the undergrad tunnel. Once I got there, though, I vowed to never put myself through those difficulties again.

The internship with PFLAG NYC lead to an official employment opportunity, and the first job I ever had that gave me a sense of fulfillment and joy. Not only was I able to be an educator and be a real catalyst for change, I was providing hope for queer kids who might be feeling as alone and confused as I did growing up. My dream job. I had never had an office job before, nor did I have experience working for a nonprofit organization, but my passion for  PFLAG NYC's mission and work made me a good fit for the position. I have learned a lot doing this work, and my boss has been an extremely patient mentor for me. 

A few years ago, I decided that working in the LGBTQ Nonprofit sector was what I want my career path to be. I want to get to a place where I can possibly run my own nonprofit in the future. I realized though, that there was so much I didn't know, that I couldn't expect my boss to teach me while he was running an entire organization. I wanted to learn more about grant-writing, fundraising, and the management side of nonprofit organizations. A few years ago, a beloved family member offered to help pay my tuition, if I were to ever decide to go for a masters degree. At first my answer was always "I appreciate the offer, but no thank you." Then after speaking with others who helped me see how rare an opportunity I was given, I started to see what a blessing it was to have someone generously offer to fund my education. 

I toyed with the idea of going back to school, even though the idea terrified me. I was so paranoid about falling into a depression, by that point I avoided anything that I thought would be a trigger. Nevertheless, I started researching masters programs in the CUNY school system (because affordability over everything) that would help me in the field I wanted to go into and in the job I currently have. I came across a degree called "Masters of Public Administration." I had never heard of it before.  Through my research I learned that "the most common degree to work at government entities, nonprofit organizations, or private public administration companies is the Masters of Public Administration [MPA] degree." I was highly intrigued. I found that CUNY City College had a great MPA program. I went to the informational session, at the school, heard from some alumni, and spoke to a few professors. I asked them my questions and voiced my concerns, like if my bachelors degree in creative writing would deter me from being accepted if I were to apply. I collected as much information as I could. Since I attended the informational session, I was offered a fee waiver for the application. "Well then," I thought. "I guess I literally have nothing to lose..."

Tomorrow is my first day of graduate school, and I am nervous as hell. I have no idea what I am going to wear, and I still have to go shopping for a new school bag...but I am so excited. This is a new chapter in my story, and I am determined to make the best of it. I'm going to make new friends and hopefully prove to myself that I can do this. I can be a student again. I can push through the anxiety. I can get this degree!!! (There. I spoke it into existence.)