To Be Extroverted and Excluded
This past weekend I was in Miami for my good friend Angie’s bachelorette getaway weekend. It was truly a magical experience! 13 femmes on one trip and there were nothing but good vibes! Also, the ladies in our group were ALL unbelievably attractive, so that was a huge bonus for me! I would love to say what happens in Miami stays in Miami, but I have FAR too many pictures and videos to hold up that promise… (Look out for my blog post about the male strip club experience! Coming soon. No pun intended, whatsoever!!!)
I was so appreciative that Angie invited me on the trip with her bridal party. She and I have been friends since Acting 1 class in undergrad. It was about 7 years ago, when she was still a brace face and I still had a baby face. She’s always been someone I felt I could be open with and talk about my personal struggles with, and I truly value our friendship. Even with that being the case, I have to say, I was very surprised that I was invited. Honestly, it made me extremely emotional when I got the invite, and I must have told her about 10 times how much I appreciate it, which may seem like overkill. I thought about it the other evening: why did I feel so unbelievably overwhelmed with gratitude, to the point of tears?
In my Catholic, all-girls high school, I can’t say I was a core member of anyone’s friend group/inner circle. I was the one who got invited to things only when there was an “extra” ticket left over. Always the back-up. Never the first thought. I guess I didn’t like to have one clique, as most of the girls in my school did. I liked to bounce around and get to know as many people as I could, not just limiting myself to one select group. Because of that, I was never anyone’s first choice when it came to reaching out for chill sessions or events.
I remember when everyone was having their sweet sixteen parties in sophomore year.. There must have been 10 or 12 parties that year, mostly for girls who I was friendly with and liked to talk to. Despite my being cool with those girls, (and I even anticipated receiving invites from some of them,) I was only invited to one. The one I was invited to was only because that classmate’s mother saw me one day at school and confused me for a girl who was in her daughter’s Sweet 16 court; we slightly resemble each other. When she found out I was someone different, she extended the invite to be polite. I was not originally invited. And sure, some folks wouldn’t care that they weren’t on the original guest list for the party of the year (which it was!), but it stung my ego a bit. I did go to the party and had a great time, but I never forgot that feeling of being forgotten.
Outside of my high school, however, I do have group of friends who have always considered me part of their core. These are long-time friends from my middle school years, and they are the ones who have always made me feel like I belonged. But even within our tight little group, I noticed that some of us were closer to others, and when everyone is paired with the person they’re closest too, again, I am the one standing alone. Most of the time, I don’t notice it, but there are specific times when it was very apparent.
When another one of my closest friends got pregnant, of course I was over the moon. I loved that little baby even before she escaped her mother’s uterus. (Its crazy how when your best friends have kids, you automatically love them as much as humanly possible. And I do.) Mara and I have been best friends since we were 12 years old, so definitely an Original Crew member - as we call ourselves. But she also has a friend that she has known since they were both really small, and significantly longer than she knew me. That being the case, even though I really wanted to be a Godmother to her baby, who she perfectly named Luna, I automatically knew that friend would be given the title instead. I knew it, but I secretly wished Mara would decide to be unconventional and assign TWO Godmothers. I mean, I wouldn’t even say the gender rules of Baptism are that strict and finite in the Methodist Church. Low key, I was a little disappointed that the idea wasn’t even considered as an option. Over time, I got over it, and realized that in my heart, she IS my Godchild, 100%. But that is just another time when I felt like an afterthought. Second best, even in my close group of friends.
I will not deny, It would probably feel really good to be named someone’s Maid of Honor, the Godmother of a best friend’s child, the friend who gets invited in the first round of invites. The person who is thought of as unequivocally significant in a loved one’s life. Those roles are meant to make a person feel special and SEEN, and appreciated. I realize though, that titles are such a small thing, compared to the love you have in your heart for those who are important to you. In that respect, I didn't have to be named a member of my friend Angie's bridal party to feel included and special. Being invited on that trip was more than enough for me to know how much I mean to her as a friend.
I was so appreciative that Angie invited me on the trip with her bridal party. She and I have been friends since Acting 1 class in undergrad. It was about 7 years ago, when she was still a brace face and I still had a baby face. She’s always been someone I felt I could be open with and talk about my personal struggles with, and I truly value our friendship. Even with that being the case, I have to say, I was very surprised that I was invited. Honestly, it made me extremely emotional when I got the invite, and I must have told her about 10 times how much I appreciate it, which may seem like overkill. I thought about it the other evening: why did I feel so unbelievably overwhelmed with gratitude, to the point of tears?
From Extrovert to Exclusion
I remember when everyone was having their sweet sixteen parties in sophomore year.. There must have been 10 or 12 parties that year, mostly for girls who I was friendly with and liked to talk to. Despite my being cool with those girls, (and I even anticipated receiving invites from some of them,) I was only invited to one. The one I was invited to was only because that classmate’s mother saw me one day at school and confused me for a girl who was in her daughter’s Sweet 16 court; we slightly resemble each other. When she found out I was someone different, she extended the invite to be polite. I was not originally invited. And sure, some folks wouldn’t care that they weren’t on the original guest list for the party of the year (which it was!), but it stung my ego a bit. I did go to the party and had a great time, but I never forgot that feeling of being forgotten.
Outside of my high school, however, I do have group of friends who have always considered me part of their core. These are long-time friends from my middle school years, and they are the ones who have always made me feel like I belonged. But even within our tight little group, I noticed that some of us were closer to others, and when everyone is paired with the person they’re closest too, again, I am the one standing alone. Most of the time, I don’t notice it, but there are specific times when it was very apparent.
And Then Came Luna 💖
When another one of my closest friends got pregnant, of course I was over the moon. I loved that little baby even before she escaped her mother’s uterus. (Its crazy how when your best friends have kids, you automatically love them as much as humanly possible. And I do.) Mara and I have been best friends since we were 12 years old, so definitely an Original Crew member - as we call ourselves. But she also has a friend that she has known since they were both really small, and significantly longer than she knew me. That being the case, even though I really wanted to be a Godmother to her baby, who she perfectly named Luna, I automatically knew that friend would be given the title instead. I knew it, but I secretly wished Mara would decide to be unconventional and assign TWO Godmothers. I mean, I wouldn’t even say the gender rules of Baptism are that strict and finite in the Methodist Church. Low key, I was a little disappointed that the idea wasn’t even considered as an option. Over time, I got over it, and realized that in my heart, she IS my Godchild, 100%. But that is just another time when I felt like an afterthought. Second best, even in my close group of friends.
I will not deny, It would probably feel really good to be named someone’s Maid of Honor, the Godmother of a best friend’s child, the friend who gets invited in the first round of invites. The person who is thought of as unequivocally significant in a loved one’s life. Those roles are meant to make a person feel special and SEEN, and appreciated. I realize though, that titles are such a small thing, compared to the love you have in your heart for those who are important to you. In that respect, I didn't have to be named a member of my friend Angie's bridal party to feel included and special. Being invited on that trip was more than enough for me to know how much I mean to her as a friend.
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